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Welcome to my blog.. I'll try my best to make you know who I really am!!

Minggu, 11 September 2016

Resident's Life

I am currently in my fourth semester of Internal Medicine residency. And since I've experienced a lot of things with it, I think I have to share you a little about it.

Only a little? Yup as residency is a personal thing. What happened to me might not happen to you as well. So I just want to share you all a little about it from my point of view.

Residency might be a mainstream pathway for some people but in my view, to become a resident means you have more passion in clinical things. And when we talk about passion, we no longer have mainstream word in our dictionary. That's what you want and you set your eyes on it. That's it.

What is so interesting about residency?

Residency is an educational world for adult. You'll find a very different learning situation than the one you got in undergraduate program. And the most interesting part is in residency you teach and are taught at the same time. The biggest enemy you could find is yourself.

How come?

As we get older, our ego seems to get higher as we feel that we've experienced much. We feel so smart and independent. In residency, we'll meet a lot of people with various backgrounds, ages, and characteristics. Sometimes you start it late and you have a bossy senior who is much younger than you and you have to deal with her everyday. Sometimes you start it too soon and you can't resist everything that others ask you to do. Sometimes you're not lucky and your mistake is blown up and you must face an exhausting awkward relationship with your supervisor. The best and also the worst part of residency is you can't lie about yourself here. The big pressure will force you to show who you really are.

Have I ever thought to quit?

I have.. once. That was when  thought that this had been beyond my limit. I just wanted to go anywhere but hospital. But then I thought that I wouldn't be happy by writing my resignation letter. I would only make some people out there laugh their asses off and I would just be a villain so I choose to stay.

How to cope with all the craps?

Hmmm.. I suggest you to have someone you can trust to. To share all your stories and to ease your pain. Residency is a mini reality of the world. As in the real life you can't make everyone happy, in this absurd world you can't either. Here you'll find a best friend, a colleague, an enemy, and a hater. The key is to face it with wisdom. Slowly but sure you'll learn about which things you have to take seriously and which ones you should let go.

If there's one thing you have to keep in mind is there's no comfortable learning process in this world. As long as you're a student, insecurity will always haunt you. So be brave and remember why you choose this way at the very first.

As a student I struggle a lot too. But those struggling often sends me to one contemplation to another and makes me know who I am and what I need. What else can be more important than that?


Sabtu, 10 September 2016

我回来了

I AM BACK

Ngga nyangka udah meninggalkan blog ini selama hampir 5 tahun. Dan selama 5 tahun itu saya udah mengembara kemana-mana untuk mencari jati diri hehe..

Hmm where should I start?

Blog terakhir saya tulis sehari setelah Hendra meninggal dan sejak saat itu saya bertahan untuk nonton bola sendirian walaupun mungkin dia satu-satunya alasan kenapa saya nonton Spiderman so when he left, I stopped watching it too. Awalnya memang berat ketika kehilangan sahabat untuk selamanya. It's like you have no home to go back to. Apalagi ketika itu my love life wasn't good, I was so depressed and I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Saat itu yang saya butuhkan hanya komen rasional Hendra mengenai hidup saya yang chaos.

Well setelah kehilangan arah tanpa Hendra selama 2 tahun dengan semua drama cinta yang bikin saya juga ngga habis pikir kenapa saya mati-matian harus mempertahankan (mantan) pacar saya, memusuhi semua orang, dan membuat hidup saya jadi ngga tenang. But that's life. We can't be smart and in love at the same time. Akhirnya setelah 2 tahun pacaran tanpa arah akhirnya saya dan mantan memutuskan untuk berpisah dan menerima kenyataan kalo si mantan udah punya yang baru. Saya menjaga jarak melalui jawaban-jawaban singkat saya dan tidak jarang saya mengacuhkan komentar-komentarnya di sosmed. Well, kita kan udah ngga sama-sama lagi. Lagipula saat itu saya merasa perasaan saya sudah terlalu dalam dan kami sudah saling menyakiti hati masing-masing sehingga saya butuh ruang untuk berkontemplasi dan menemukan diri saya lagi. Saat itu saya menyibukkan diri dengan bekerja dan menyiapkan diri masuk ppds. Hingga suatu hari si mantan ini menghubungi saya dan mengabari bahwa dia akan menikah (bukan ngundang yaa.. saya ngga pernah diundang ke acara nikahan dia hehe..). I never know what I exactly felt by then. It was like all the emotions in the world held me at the same time dan saya cuma bisa membalas chat dia tanpa merasakan apa-apa. Seperti seluruh spektrum warna yang diputar cepat dan menghasilkan warna putih. Saya mulai tersadar ketika dia meminta maaf ke saya di akhir pembicaraan kami. Aneh sih menurut saya.. ngapain juga minta maaf ke saya setelah semua yang terjadi. Setelah kami nyaris tidak berhubungan dengan pantas selama 5 bulan terakhir. Setelah dia menolak untuk kembali dan memikirkan kembali hubungan kami. But maybe I just had a relationship with a clumsy person karena setelah beberapa bulan pernikahannya dia nge-unfriend semua sosmed saya. LOL. Fixlah kalo we aren't meant to be together..

Nah setelah bifurcatio perasaan yang berakhir dengan saya yang akhirnya harus sendiri lagi, saya mulai lupa soal cinta-cintaan karena diterima sekolah lagi, tepatnya Januari 2015. Di residensi inilah saya merasakan dampak blog Coincidence yang saya tulis 5 tahun yang lalu. Sebenernya saya masuk ppds dengan niat untuk jadi SpPD. Ngga ada niat sama sekali untuk cari jodoh karena saat itu saya juga merasa belum siap untuk pacaran lagi. But life is always full of surprise. When love was the last thing on my mind, a pair of too beautiful eyes got me at the very first sight. Untuk cerita lengkapnya akan saya ceritakan di blog selanjutnya berhubung sekarang ada referat MDR TB yang ngejar-ngejar saya hehe..