Welcome to my blog.. I'll try my best to make you know who I really am!!

Minggu, 11 September 2016

Resident's Life

I am currently in my fourth semester of Internal Medicine residency. And since I've experienced a lot of things with it, I think I have to share you a little about it.

Only a little? Yup as residency is a personal thing. What happened to me might not happen to you as well. So I just want to share you all a little about it from my point of view.

Residency might be a mainstream pathway for some people but in my view, to become a resident means you have more passion in clinical things. And when we talk about passion, we no longer have mainstream word in our dictionary. That's what you want and you set your eyes on it. That's it.

What is so interesting about residency?

Residency is an educational world for adult. You'll find a very different learning situation than the one you got in undergraduate program. And the most interesting part is in residency you teach and are taught at the same time. The biggest enemy you could find is yourself.

How come?

As we get older, our ego seems to get higher as we feel that we've experienced much. We feel so smart and independent. In residency, we'll meet a lot of people with various backgrounds, ages, and characteristics. Sometimes you start it late and you have a bossy senior who is much younger than you and you have to deal with her everyday. Sometimes you start it too soon and you can't resist everything that others ask you to do. Sometimes you're not lucky and your mistake is blown up and you must face an exhausting awkward relationship with your supervisor. The best and also the worst part of residency is you can't lie about yourself here. The big pressure will force you to show who you really are.

Have I ever thought to quit?

I have.. once. That was when  thought that this had been beyond my limit. I just wanted to go anywhere but hospital. But then I thought that I wouldn't be happy by writing my resignation letter. I would only make some people out there laugh their asses off and I would just be a villain so I choose to stay.

How to cope with all the craps?

Hmmm.. I suggest you to have someone you can trust to. To share all your stories and to ease your pain. Residency is a mini reality of the world. As in the real life you can't make everyone happy, in this absurd world you can't either. Here you'll find a best friend, a colleague, an enemy, and a hater. The key is to face it with wisdom. Slowly but sure you'll learn about which things you have to take seriously and which ones you should let go.

If there's one thing you have to keep in mind is there's no comfortable learning process in this world. As long as you're a student, insecurity will always haunt you. So be brave and remember why you choose this way at the very first.

As a student I struggle a lot too. But those struggling often sends me to one contemplation to another and makes me know who I am and what I need. What else can be more important than that?

Sabtu, 10 September 2016



Ngga nyangka udah meninggalkan blog ini selama hampir 5 tahun. Dan selama 5 tahun itu saya udah mengembara kemana-mana untuk mencari jati diri hehe..

Hmm where should I start?

Blog terakhir saya tulis sehari setelah Hendra meninggal dan sejak saat itu saya bertahan untuk nonton bola sendirian walaupun mungkin dia satu-satunya alasan kenapa saya nonton Spiderman so when he left, I stopped watching it too. Awalnya memang berat ketika kehilangan sahabat untuk selamanya. It's like you have no home to go back to. Apalagi ketika itu my love life wasn't good, I was so depressed and I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Saat itu yang saya butuhkan hanya komen rasional Hendra mengenai hidup saya yang chaos.

Well setelah kehilangan arah tanpa Hendra selama 2 tahun dengan semua drama cinta yang bikin saya juga ngga habis pikir kenapa saya mati-matian harus mempertahankan (mantan) pacar saya, memusuhi semua orang, dan membuat hidup saya jadi ngga tenang. But that's life. We can't be smart and in love at the same time. Akhirnya setelah 2 tahun pacaran tanpa arah akhirnya saya dan mantan memutuskan untuk berpisah dan menerima kenyataan kalo si mantan udah punya yang baru. Saya menjaga jarak melalui jawaban-jawaban singkat saya dan tidak jarang saya mengacuhkan komentar-komentarnya di sosmed. Well, kita kan udah ngga sama-sama lagi. Lagipula saat itu saya merasa perasaan saya sudah terlalu dalam dan kami sudah saling menyakiti hati masing-masing sehingga saya butuh ruang untuk berkontemplasi dan menemukan diri saya lagi. Saat itu saya menyibukkan diri dengan bekerja dan menyiapkan diri masuk ppds. Hingga suatu hari si mantan ini menghubungi saya dan mengabari bahwa dia akan menikah (bukan ngundang yaa.. saya ngga pernah diundang ke acara nikahan dia hehe..). I never know what I exactly felt by then. It was like all the emotions in the world held me at the same time dan saya cuma bisa membalas chat dia tanpa merasakan apa-apa. Seperti seluruh spektrum warna yang diputar cepat dan menghasilkan warna putih. Saya mulai tersadar ketika dia meminta maaf ke saya di akhir pembicaraan kami. Aneh sih menurut saya.. ngapain juga minta maaf ke saya setelah semua yang terjadi. Setelah kami nyaris tidak berhubungan dengan pantas selama 5 bulan terakhir. Setelah dia menolak untuk kembali dan memikirkan kembali hubungan kami. But maybe I just had a relationship with a clumsy person karena setelah beberapa bulan pernikahannya dia nge-unfriend semua sosmed saya. LOL. Fixlah kalo we aren't meant to be together..

Nah setelah bifurcatio perasaan yang berakhir dengan saya yang akhirnya harus sendiri lagi, saya mulai lupa soal cinta-cintaan karena diterima sekolah lagi, tepatnya Januari 2015. Di residensi inilah saya merasakan dampak blog Coincidence yang saya tulis 5 tahun yang lalu. Sebenernya saya masuk ppds dengan niat untuk jadi SpPD. Ngga ada niat sama sekali untuk cari jodoh karena saat itu saya juga merasa belum siap untuk pacaran lagi. But life is always full of surprise. When love was the last thing on my mind, a pair of too beautiful eyes got me at the very first sight. Untuk cerita lengkapnya akan saya ceritakan di blog selanjutnya berhubung sekarang ada referat MDR TB yang ngejar-ngejar saya hehe..

Selasa, 06 Desember 2011

Gone Too Soon

I used to have a friend.. A very best friend named Hendra. We met in the junior high school for the first time. We made friends and we got into the same class in our third grade. We entered the different high school but we met again in university. I noticed him as a very good person, cool, smart, and he knew how to behave. We used to be in the same path but then I took a different one and he just commented it in an ordinary way. Just like nothing happened. It impressed me much considering that many people thought that I'd chosen a wrong way.

When we spent our university life in Jogja, we'd done many things together. He helped me in everything, we shared laughs, we argued for some unimportant things.... we had fun together. I never like action movie. I still remember how I told him that I never finished watching Spiderman and out of sudden he 'accompanied' me watching it till the end by kept talking to me via text message. I won't forget his 'congratulation' for me for finally finishing that movie..

He knew everything that I didn't and he made me feel comfortable by his side. For me, he was a brother. He made me watch Robin Hood and Sherlock Holmes. He just smiled seeing me bored in the middle of Robin Hood movie. Some people said that he often sent a sharp comment although I didn't think that it was. Maybe that was something that made me feel comfortable by his side.

He might be a reserved person but he sometimes surprised me with a special thing he did. I was watching tv that night when I received his message. He said that he was in town and would bring me ice cream. I thought it was a joke so I didn't believe it. A day after, he kept saying that so that I challenged him to visit me at home and bring the ice cream. He said 'please wait for 30 mins'. I waited for 30 minutes, opened the door, and there he was.. in front of me with the ice cream basket. I was really surprised and I said 'how come?'.. He just said 'See.. I've told you to just believe..' and he smiled.

Hendra loved football. His favorite team was Barcelona and his fave national team was Spain. When world cup or euro cup hit the world, we became enemy since I supported Germany. We used to watch regular league when I studied in the midnight. In this case we became partner in crime so that we didn't argue anything by that time. When I visited Barcelona last March, I bought him some souvenirs and he said that the FCB plastic bag was the best plastic bag he'd ever had. He seemed very happy by that time. I gave it to him right before he went back to Samarinda and it was our last meeting. It was the last time I saw him smile to me. I'd never thought that our goodbye would be the real goodbye..

And now... that amazing man has gone. He struggled for his life and I wasn't there for him when he gave up. There won't be 'hoi hoi' (the way he started our convo) anymore.. There won't be a news about Spiderman. There won't be book discussion anymore and so on. He's gone first without saying anything. I just want him to come to my dream and have one last talk with me..

Bye Nda.. You'll be missed a lot.. x

Kamis, 11 Agustus 2011

Guest House

Life's like a roller coaster lately.. Too many people come into my life and make me think harder. This situation reminds me to Rumi's poem, Guest House.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

The last part is my favorite since too many people come into my life only to say hello, take a rest for a while, and go away. But this man has come into my life and he brings me to the places that I've never known before.. A man who impolitely steals my heart, pulls me to run with him, and never let me breath for a while. He's my special guest right now and I hope he would stay forever in my guest house.. I'm totally in love!

Minggu, 22 Mei 2011

A Man Like Him

I pray to God for a very kind man who will be by my side to face this cruel world. I pray for a man who will make me wanna do anything for him and vice versa. I pray for a smart man who will teach me anything and understand me inside out and outside in. I pray for a brave man who will take me if he really loves me. He will say 'i love you' right in front of me and make it come true. I need a wise man to tell me when I'm wrong. A bit fierce man will be good. I don't need flirting, I don't need too many signs.. If he's sure, just come and say.. I'll appreciate it more..

Sabtu, 23 April 2011

Second Chance

Have you ever thought about giving a second chance for someone? I often think about it. In this cruel world, we can find this problem anytime, anywhere. So, I learn from the best teacher, experience. I've decided to give second chance for everything but love and credibility matter.

Life has taught me that giving the second chance to love is something useless because you'll get nothing but heartache. I'm not speculating. I'm saying the truth as I've ever given a second chance to someone and we didn't work it out. And what would be left then? You'll find yourself wasting your time to wish she/he'd be back to you again. You start to see everything in different way. You pass the ice cream store and it'll remind you about your first date. You're cursed! So, here I suggest you to leave your past as soon as possible. The used love story is just an old story. No matter how hard he/she tries for a comeback, it wouldn't mean anything in the end.

Now, talking about a credibility. For me, there's no difference among bestfriend, friend, acquaintance, and enemy if they betray the credibility that I've given to them. No one can guarantee that they won't do the same in the future. So, before you get more upset, you'd better leave! It's not easy but you know you won't get second heartache from them. You're saving your own life :D

I think that's all.. For other things in life, it's ok for me to give people a second chance. We can't be that strict for other things as we often need a second chance too..

Minggu, 10 April 2011

Road to be a 20 yo girl (or woman?)

Hello folks :)

It's April! A special month for me as I'm gonna be a 20-year-old girl (or woman? lol) this month. What's so special about it? well, a lot. People usually start to get their first salary in their 20 something, they start to think about getting married (you're too young to get married in your 10s and too old in your 30s. So, 20 something is a right choice), and people usually decide to be completely independent in this age. That's why I'm so excited about being a 20-year-old huehehehe..

I really wanna look at my past. Wondering about things that I've ever done back then. I'm gonna be totally honest here hehehe..

I started my education life when I was 2 yo. I entered the preschool program only to find out that it was boring. I didn't want to continue my education to kindergarten and I asked to enter the elementary school when I was 4 yo. I did it! Thanks to the kind headmaster, Mr. Pius Batata :).

I moved to Samarinda (from Makassar) when I was 5 yo. I spent my childhood and teen life there. I met my first boyfriend there as well. Such a very kind humble smart boy and we're still friends till now. He makes me know how life could be and how God sometimes doesn't say yes for something (we think) perfect. And to be honest, it was really hard to forget him. But I think I've done it already now.

I knew that I wanna be a doctor when I was 4 yr old. I never know the reason why but now I know that I've chosen the best way for me. This is the place where I wanna be. A big choice that I will never regret for. I entered med school when I was 16 yo and it took 3,5 years to be in this position hehe.. I still had a love life in med school. A one-week-old love life precisely. Such a tragic thing but no need to feel sorry about that. It was a lesson. That I must do a strict fit and proper test for my husband candidate huehehehe.. Fyi, I'm single right now ;p

I love math. I love counting. When I was child, I imagined that I'd go to Europe someday. Maybe in my 20s or 30s but God said no (again) and granted me a better thing. I did my first Europe trip few weeks ago (remember that I'm now still 19 yo). Haha.. nothing I can say but alhamdulillah, all praise is due to Allah :D. I reckon nobody had ever thought about that for this little spoiled girl.

But life isn't always about achievement. Life is about ups and downs. I stumbled and fell down for many many times but when you have a good foothold, you won't be afraid of anything. Valentino Rossi ever said 'Fear is friend.' and it's what I exactly will do.

So, am I mature enough to be a 20 yo one? Well, you decide. I don't think I have been but I'm trying. At least I've decided that I'm gonna get married when I'm 27 yo. I know that I wanna be a cardiologist. I really wish to study in South Korea and Europe. I wanna be God's lucky guest in Makkah. I wanna take a picture with the Liberty statue in US. I wanna be the best wife and mother for my husband and children. I wanna be the best doctor for my patients. And I wanna live my life in a right way..

Now, I have no idea about what to share anymore. I just wanna say my great gratitude to Allah SWT, my parents, my sister, gs3, my best friends, anyone who helps me, my first bf, Valentino Rossi and last but not the least thanks to the readers! :D